Can you wrap my hot dog in a clorox wipe instead of a bun?

I think the little league snack shack is the headwaters of all aggressive and dysfunctional parent behaviors in kid baseball.  Could the cause be the somewhat noxious hotdog rotisserie fumes?  Something evil lurks under the nacho cheese crock-pot-warmer, because I have seen it oozing it's nasty self out from between the cracks and have become frozen in terror awaiting it's molten trajectory.

 The combination of salmonellaphobia and e-col-itis really brings up some personal and previously overlooked feelings in me, but I am still able to read a volunteer shift schedule.  My everyday face may appear a little checked out, but this is due to attempting to calculate the number of germs multiplied by years in snack shack.  This must be why the Team Mom always assumes I will not do my assigned shifts.  And assigns me her shift to work in addition to my already scheduled shifts.

But I'm getting Nacho-cheese-krafty.  I did not tell her I had my super-model friend covering for me last Saturday.  So now that she has reply-alled about my supposed miscreant lack of responsibility, I forwarded-all to my friend who did work my shift.  Let the lies be exposed!!  Bwa-ha-ha!

Germs x Snack Shack =  Attitude!!!!!!!

2 Friday the 13ths = 26 visits to Kaiser

What can I say. Yes, I made a mistake. So what? I say encouraging health and fitness to your family is a good thing. "Modeling behavior" right? The do as I do parental cheese?

I mean, clearly, had I not been looking over my shoulder at the cyclist dashing into the bushes behind me, I might have avoided the crash and my local ER on Friday the 13th. In my defense, I heard "leak" when he said he was going to get a "leaf", but that's just trivial. This was the January Friday the 13th. So I've been pretty celebratory lately what with the release from physical therapy and my leg not looking so elephant-y. Enough to ride my bike again, and suggest more fun exercise to hubby.

Did I not look at the calendar??? Last Friday was the April Friday the 13th. Yup. I encouraged him to fool around with our 9 & 11-year-old. The good news is, when the Sector 9 skateboard (longboard, actually) broke the land-speed record shooting out from under him, it looked like an excellent science fair experiment for next year--

The bad news is, he wasn't so interested in exercise the rest of the day, and his hand looked a little elephant-y. Credit to him, he still helped me lift the lawnmower out of the shed several hours later, but I fear this is what actually broke the wrist.

So only 12 more visits and we'll complete the Everyday Math Kaiser Hospital computation!

Stupid Cow

So wrong on so many levels. There are cows wandering all over Highway One between Jenner and Stewarts Point in Sonoma County. They wander on the roadway, and because they are so mesmerized by the stunning view of the Pacific, simply don't notice or don't care that people like me have a death grip on the steering wheel while avoiding them AND avoiding the plunge off of the cliffs into the ocean. Happily, though, people like my kids are generally resuscitated from certain vomitous death by their appearance, which greatly benefits people like me.

Except one of the cows fell off the cliff and splatted fatally on the road recently. This cow, according to the owner, had a history. When she was young, she fell into a crevasse and got stuck. Mr. Owner got her out, but this time, Bossy wasn't so lucky. Mr. Owner described her as thus: "I should have figured it out when she was a heifer. She was just a stupid cow."

WHAT?

So how about klutzy kow, or accident-prone cow, or how 'bout highway cut into a cliff as rangeland, not so much? And let's not go into the drumroll feminist take: COW is a bad, bad, bad choice...